| Movie Reviews - I keep 'em short and usually to the point cuz I don't got the time scro! IDIOCRACY - all about an average Joe who takes part in a government experiment gone bad and wakes up 500 years in a future populated by drooling illiterate morons owned by the United States government AT&T Carl's Junior Corporation. In other words pretty much where society is now. Funny and depressing, Mike Judge strikes gold again. THE ILLUSIONIST - As a piece of pure fantasy-fiction, this film works very well. Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti are great, but the crux of the plot takes major leaps in logic. CLERKS 2 - Can't resist those Kevin Smith comedies, everyone of them has something great and this one's no different. You got Jay and Silent Bob and the other two guys who now work at a fast food restaurant lamenting about life and shit with the occasional hilarious hi-jinx. APOCALYPTO - Why god why. Mel Gibson proves his divine ignorance yet another time in this wildly inaccurate story about Mayans? Hardly. The list of bullshit is long, but here are a few items- 1)Mayans did occasionally sacrifice their own royalty, not random prisoners. 2)They did not have open dumping grounds for piles of bodies because of 1. 3)Mayans were very advanced in mathematics, astronomy, etc., So they would not be freaking out when a solar eclipse occurs. They created the Mayan calendar for christ's sake. I really hope someone steps up and makes a real film about the Mayans because ol' Mel has screwed the proverbial pooch on this one. THE STATION AGENT movie Superb slice-o-life film about a dwarf who inherits a remote train station. Trains man, they are damn cool, and you can recommend this one to yer ma as well! BUBBA HO-TEP movie See this for the performances alone, Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis are fucking great! Good story from Joe R. Lansdale and of course helmed by one of the masters, Don Coscarelli, who managed to make an engaging, funny film on a very low (under 1 mil) budget. IN THIS WORLD movie About two escapees from a Pakastani refugee camp who desperately try to make their way to London. Gritty and gut wrenching film shot in a well paced cinema verite style. PAYCHECK Philip K. Dick gets royally dicked. Lifeless, Hackneyed bullshit. 28 DAYS LATER...I watched Evil Dead, Dead Alive, Dawn of the Dead and the last 5 minutes of Resident Evil (mediocre film, but the ending is almost the precise beginning to 28 Days Later). "Re-invents the zombie genre" MY ASS. Once again, overblown hype tries to re-invent history. BELOW movie Twohy (Pitch Black, The Arrival) and Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream) team up for this superb World War 2 supernatural submarine thriller. Never heard of it? When you see the resolution (in this time of cro-magnon uber patriot-act-ism) you'll know why. PUNCH DRUNK LOVE This film is so neurotic it makes Woody Allen look like the Dalai Lama. SCI-FI CHANNEL MOVIES I won't bother with individual titles here because THEY ALL SUCK. What the hell are they thinking? Who approves these productions? No wonder people generally detest science fiction, with wall to wall crap like these movies who can blame them? DAGON movie marks the return of Stuart Gordon's Lovecraft adapations, and this one could be the best. Not played for laughs like ReAnimator, Dagon is dark, atmospheric and sometimes shocking. Its is gory, but this is not just a gore fest movie, Gordon simply delivers the goods at the right places. DARKNESS FALLS and so do the i.q.'s of the movie going audience subjected to this piece of drek. Another big budget horror film that's merely horrible. Flat, hackneyed and plain boring. SECRETARY movie James Spader in..you guessed it...another great offbeat role. A dose of bdsm action in this one along with kinky humor. A genuine love story to get spanked to. THEY LIVE movie If you haven't seen it, go see it now. Stop what you're doing, leave work, break out of prison, whatever. John Carpenter's science fiction-horror masterpiece is PROPHETIC. APPETITE movie (British film from Avalanche distribution) Low budget gem out of nowhere about strange happenings in an old british hotel. Poignant, bizarre and hypnotic...see this movie. DONNIE DARKO movie Concerning time travel, a large prophetic rabbit and the inevitable consequences of plane engines falling into houses. This brilliant film got plain fucked at the box office courtesy of 9-11, but it's on video/dvd so check it out! STAR WARS: SEND IN THE CLONES I watched this piece of shit until the muppet attacked Christopher Lee. If this movie is the dawn of "enviromentally friendly" digital filmmaking, i want my polluting film stock back. MEET THE FEEBLES movie If you want to see a good movie with muppets (albeit adult muppets) see this movie, one of Peter Jackson's (yes the same guy who made the Tolkien tripe) first films which is part porn, part musical and part gore-fest. Brilliant and disgusting! ELIZABETH movie What can be said but KATE BLANCHETTE! Blood, gore and mayhem abound in this engaging (and seldom boring) film about the queen they could not kill. MR. SHOW movie The first 2 seasons of David Cross and Bob Odenkirk's HBO TV series, only avaliable on dvd i believe. If you like offensive in your face sketch comedy, check this out. MINORITY REPORT movie Spielberg attempts Philip K. Dick with mixed results. It is great that Dick is still popular for adaptations (see BLADE RUNNER, TOTAL RECALL, BARJO, SCREAMERS and IMPOSTER) and i have a feeling we'll see many more in the near future. IMPOSTER movie a better adaptation than MINORITY REPORT on a much lower budget, Imposter remains truer to the "Dickian" sense, in other words it doesn't whimp out in the resolution. SIGNS I now refer to the filmmaker as M. Knight Shama-lama-dingdong, for being such a self indulgent jerk off. This piece of crap shows you how it takes a bunch of evil aliens (who have light speed travel but happen to be malevolent slobbering monsters on their weekends off) to restore the faith in a faltering priest. Wow. THE FACULTY movie or COLUMBINE EXPLAINED. Superb riff on the assimilation paranoia concept about a midwest school taken over by aliens. Co-stars John Stewart! ART OF WAR Decent "who's fucking who" espionage vehicle until the last ten minutes when it turns into ridiculous crap. DRAGONFLY Okay, listen carefully. Even if you're bombarded with tangible paranormal events, all ya really need is faith to see you through. Isn't that special. TWELFTH NIGHT movie Usually I find Shakespeare far too melodramatic, and the plays or movies ultimately seem very alien to me. Not so with this great adaptation starring Ben Kingsley, Imogen Stubbs & Helena Bonham Carter. Good rendering of songs as well. COLLATERAL DAMAGE Arnie Schwartenburger goes after those evil drug dealing Colombian terrorists..er..rebels...well you know, those damn people who just aren't new world order team players. |